THE WOMAN BEHIND THE MASK Hang in there!

This week has been one of the most challenging weeks for me. I have been forcing myself to eat, not to cry, and to get up and get dressed. I have pushed myself to clean. All I want to do is sleep. I told myself, this year you will be strong. You won’t break down. Breakdowns cause stress; the stress causes pain in my body. Although I told myself I would be strong, my subconscious mind knows this is the anniversary of an event that forever changed my life. I lost my daughter in a car accident on September 6, 2005. It has been 15 long years since that tragic day, but it seems like yesterday for me. So today, I’m removing the mask. The mask that I’m hiding behind to keep from showing my true feelings. My feelings of hurt, anger, loneness, sadness, depression, and “why me” attitude. As a Christian, I’m told I shouldn’t have these feelings to trust God. I trust God. I love God. However, these feelings still rise. Some would say after fifteen years; you should be further along. Have you lost a child? Have you lost part of your heart? Have you received a call from the morgue saying your child is gone? Don’t tell me how to feel. Please don’t compare my pain of loss to your pain.
The worst thing someone can say is, “I know how you feel, I lost my grandmother.” Your pain is real; my pain is real. I’m sorry you lost your loved one. I, too, have lost grandmothers, grandfathers, uncles, aunts, cousins, and friends, BUT none of these can be compared to losing my daughter. Nothing has been more difficult for me than losing my baby. My baby whom I carried for nine months, felt growing in my tummy, felt her kicks, and gave birth. My God! I will have to live with the memory of the day she was born, and the day she died forever. I know the Word, I live my life the best I can according to God’s Word. I pray, fast, and encourage, but who inspires me? Like David, I encourage myself. I feel alone. I have people who support me, but this loss’s pain encompasses a shell that seems no one can reach. I have a Master’s degree in Counseling. I know I’m probably dealing with a little depression and grief. I experience different levels of grief. I continue to press forward. I’m not stuck. Don’t get stuck. Even Jesus grieved his friends, but he didn’t get stuck. Whatever you’re grieving today, don’t get stuck. Remove the mask to expose the devil and be honest. Read, meditate, and pray. Write in a journal to express your true feelings. Trust me, I have experienced a lot, but God has kept me. My loss is the darkest hour I have ever had to face. Yet, I press on. I fight. I don’t give up (even though sometimes I want to). I will always miss my daughter. She was the best part of me. I will ever cry for her. I will always love her. I will cherish our memories forever. With God’s help, I will be strong and continue my life until He calls me home. I’m removing the mask. I’m true to myself. My pain will serve a purpose, and the purpose will be fulfilled. My daughter’s living nor her death was in vain.